I'm still around, still trying to figure out the best way to start worshipping the Gods like I want to.  I don't know if I'll ever get to it like I want to. Ugh.

That's all for now; nothing exciting happening here.  Sorry.

I am definitely better at coming up with questions about my spiritual path than I am at answering them.

I don't know why, but the Roman gods' names make a lot more sense to me.  Actually, I do know why; it's because I have a few Latin-based languages under my belt (one better than the other two), and the Roman names are clearer associations for me.  And I like the idea of the Roman lares, or house spirits.

I am really bad at actually celebrating the sabbats and esbats.  I guess it's because I have no one to celebrate them with, and while I think a lot about nature and Paganism ideals in general, I don't seem to get into the groove of actually doing ritual.  I suppose I should just do it, without thinking too hard about whether I'm "doing the rituals the right way."  I know it sounds stupid for a witch to say that, considering that everyone celebrates differently, but that apprehension sticks with me.

Maybe I will get over that apprehension someday--like maybe this week, for the Spring Equinox.

The nice thing about living in Japan is that the equinoxes are considered national holidays.  So I get the day off without even having to ask for it!

...the contradiction (if in fact there is a contradiction) between the concept of reincarnation and reverence for ancestors.

...how to keep my concept of Wicca away from being purely a fertility religion.  I can't have kids, not sure I ever want any, and I want my spirituality to move beyond fertility.

...why nobody else seems to like Roman gods.  Why does everyone use the Greek names?  Am I the weird one?

I'm very new to the world of podcasts, but I've found a fantastic bunch of them that I'm currently in love with! Some of them are science-y or from NPR; one is a show about conspiracy theories and the occult; a few are radio shows. One or two are political, too. The majority of them, though, are Pagan podcasts. Living in Asia, they're the best way I have to stay in touch with the worldwide Pagan community. If you haven't looked into podcasts yet, please do! I can recommend several, if anyone's interested. And if anyone has a great Pagan podcast that they listen to on a regular basis, please let me know! I'm always looking for new ones.

So anyhow, I listened to one of the latest episodes of one of my podcasts, which was about Indigo children. Now, I'd like to point out that I try really hard to take any New Age-y stuff with a boulder of salt, because I had a decent science education and I try to maintain at least a bit of sanity. But as they described the traits of Indigo children, it really sounded a whole lot like me.

If you have read anything about Indigo children, you would know that in general, it doesn't really sound like a positive thing for me to say about myself! Typically, Indigo children seem to be super-moody (or devoid of emotion), very smart, and very creative. They hate authority, always have to challenge their teachers and parents, always have to know "why" they should do something in a certain way, and voice their opinions on why their way of doing things is better than their parents'/teachers' way. They have problems with rage, have a random behavior pattern (like people with ADD), sense that they have an important purpose in life and yet don't know what it is, think of themselves and there are a lot more characteristics that you can find easily online if you Google the term.

Anyway, I don't really think I ever had a psychic experience at all, which is another trait of Indigos. But most of the personality traits fit me in a way that's almost scary. I've always had a raging temper, I refused to do my homework as a child, have always hated most of my teachers, have always been easily distracted, and have trouble focusing on things without doing a few things at once. I have a huge imagination that makes me afraid of the dark (I'm too old for that, I know!), graduated from high school, undergrad, and grad school with good GPAs, and I remember bawling my eyes out as a teenager when I realized I couldn't possibly believe in the JudeoChristian "God." I'm too empathetic/sympathetic (which is which, really? I get confused), I've been developing my intuition for a long time, and my mom says that as a baby I had "the face of an old man."

I don't honestly believe I'm some kind of "Indigo child," especially since even though I'm quite self-important at times, I have never had a high sense of self-worth. But the similarities are downright frightening. I have always felt like a freak and I could never understand why I never met anyone who seemed as emotional and odd as I am. I have always chalked it up to the fact that I have all these physical problems and that I am sure that the psychological effects have changed my brain somehow.

I took one of those online "Are you an Indigo Child?" tests, just for giggles, and I scored an 80% chance of being an Indigo child. It's hardly scientific, obviously, but I found that interesting.

So there are some weird similarities with the concept of "Indigo children" and me. Maybe I was just a problem child, anyway. Hell, I'm now a "problem woman." This is why I need some meditation or something to chill out! Any suggestions??? I'd love any guidance out there on how I can try to minimize some of my rebellion and horrible temper, as well as my "must multitask!" mind.

Wow, I never write this much in my other online journal. I didn't even realize I had so much to say tonight.

Hi, Covenspace! I'm MoonCat, and I'm currently 26.5 years old. I'm an American living abroad with my husband, and will be living abroad for at least another 15 months or so (no, we aren't in the military). I've been interested in Paganism in general for about eight and a half years now, and it's only been in the last few years that I've dedicated myself to being Wiccan. My husband, however, is not Pagan at all; he's sort of in this agnostic/atheist place right now, trying to escape from the clutches of a lot of religious beliefs he grew up with and doesn't like, but is having a hard time shaking off. He is making an effort to learn about Paganism now, which I greatly admire him for. I hope that he can at least understand where my spirituality comes from, even if he does not share it (and I fully expect that he won't, and that's fine!).

Though I am still finding a pantheon I can relate to, I am currently researching the Roman. Having spent much of my academic life studying Romance (Latin-based) languages, the Roman gods seem to speak more to me than the Greek ones.

In particular, I feel very tied to the cycles and beauty of the moon, cats, and gemstones/crystals, though I'm not sure how much I subscribe to the idea that gems and crystals can actually affect us. I seem to be a "shiny rock" collector, and I like the idea that even if I think of them only as "lucky stones," I feel better having a few in my pocket. I would like to learn more about this topic.

I am not out of the broom closet yet to my family (except my husband; we have no children, and probably never will). Many of my friends think I am "merely" an atheist, though I do have a few very supportive Pagan pals. Obviously I hope to make a few more on this page!

In addition, I am trying to be as vegetarian as I can be. It's just a personal preference for myself, tied into how I feel about animal treatment and our obligation to protect the defenseless in the world (idealistic, I know). My husband does continue to eat meat, even though he has to order it in a restaurant to get it. I'm very lucky that he's supportive of me not eating (much) meat, because I know there are some that aren't so supportive! However, I am having a very hard time with this in my current location, because there are few vegetarian options available in restaurants. I used to call myself "vegetarian," and now I have to settle for "I try really hard not to eat any meat, chicken, or seafood," which is quite disappointing to me.

My current major challenges in Wicca are many. First, I'm still learning where I fit into the wider Pagan/Wiccan community, not only because of living abroad, but also because I don't feel like I have enough training to start practicing on my own. Also, I have had a lot of medical procedures throughout my life due to various birth defects. The last round of surgery I had for a condition directly related to those defects left me permanently robbed of estrogen (it's a long story...), and I feel this was a violation of myself as a woman and as a Wiccan. I am trying to find my "feminine energy" again (that's a crappy choice of words, but there they are). I want to feel like I am like this because I need to learn how to be a woman without relying on these physical factors, but the feeling of violation never stops. I'm taking medication to replace the lost estrogen which, psychologically speaking, doesn't make me feel better at all. So I will probably write about that, I'm sure.

This is a really long post, so I will end it here. I hope to make some friends on this site so we can all support each other. Thanks for reading.